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Pyjamas, Sex, and Marriage

When's the last time you saw a movie where the married people didn't where PJ's when they went to bed??

What I find infuriating is that Hollywood seems to always portray us "married people" as being uninterested in sex, where the bedroom is a place you read books, discuss issues, and then finally turn the light off and go to sleep, usually bagged out, tapped out, and finished. And on the other hand, we have to be very selective as a family to avoid cinematic offerings where people who aren't married are going to bed and getting it on. Drives me crazy!

The underlying message is that married life (and married sex) are unattractive as far as passion, fire, and romance go, and that the real thrill is in one night stands and short-lived flings. It's a total misrepresentation of truth and reality. I have to speak out.

There seems to be an agenda in the media world to paint extra-marital sex (sex-before-marriage or fornication, adultery, homosexuality) as something more than it really is. In the glamorization of sex in uncommitted relationships, the following is often completely overlooked:

  • the morning after emptiness
  • the insecurity of giving yourself intimately to someone who is loose sexually and relationally
  • the initial awkwardness of "dancing" with a new partner (awkward and amateurish)
  • the shallowness of "freshman" sex
  • the afterglow of guilt and shame (regardless of religious persuasion)
  • the fear of unwanted pregnancy that permeates the experience before, during, and after
  • the fear of catching something gross, that also permeates the experience

I will readily admit that the bedroom life of a married couple can and often changes over long term commitment. These changes can be both good and not so good.

First, sex can and should get better with experience and practice, like well-aged wine. This is obviously the positive that we are expecting as a married couple. The whole thing about males reaching their sexual prime at 18 and women at 30 is way over-rated and misleading (and for the most part, bad science). Although hormones may peak at particular times in life, this is not as connected to sexual performance as one might think. One's aptitude sexually is much more related to learning the art for one, what's going on in their heads for another, and living a healthy lifestyle by getting plenty of exercise and eating right. Hormones mean almost nothing compared to these weighty factors.

Secondly, it's a sad truth that familiarity can breed contempt and boredom, and marriage is no exception. This danger comes with the territory of any long term commitment in a relationship. No way around it. So you'll have to analyze the benefits of long term vs. short term. How about love, for starters. This isn't even technically possible until time has been put in. True love doesn't happen quickly as most people assume. True love is what happens when I know you intimately with all your faults and baggage (which we all have) and love you in spite of those things. Or how about comfort and security, two things that motivate so much of our decisions, and are all but absent in short, lusty affairs.

And lastly, for whatever reason, Hollywood seems to have an agenda. I've probably said enough on this, but still, society has tried very hard to make married sex look boring or even non-existent, and unmarried sex (let's do it like they do it on Discovery Channel) glitzy and glamorous. Is it, at it's heart, a rebellion against what God clearly forbids? It certainly doesn't seem to be rooted in reality!

About the author

Tony Warriner

Tony Warriner

Tony is an author and lead pastor of Evangel Chapel in Fort St. John, and is known for his unique approach to local church & spirituality. Check out his first book, Boondock Church. · Fort St. John, BC ·